AS A COLUMNIST GETS OLDER, his or her mind starts to go, their hangovers get worse, and they begins to lose touch with pop culture. It’s why my editor changes all my Tiffany jokes to Mandy Moore jokes, why my Q*bert references are changed to Grand Theft Auto 15 references, and I’m not allowed to ever mention any celeb born before 1980.
The problem is not knowing who People magazine cover folks are. That’s easy enough. We have name recognition abilities. But we can’t, for the life of us, figure out why these people are famous. Do they have hit songs? Did they write the great American novel? Did they blow one of the kids in One Direction?
Seems like in 2013, it takes less and less to be considered a “celebrity”, which normally wouldn’t concern us but it’s so seldom that any of these “stars” do anything useful with their stardumb. Stardom? Stardumb.
So, for those like us, we thought we’d fill you in on who five celebs are and why they have more Twitter followers than you do.
1. Sherri Shepherd
Back when Headshots was unemployed and spent our days curled up in the fetal position on the couch, the one piece of furniture Mrs. Headshots II left us with, we watched a lot of daytime TV.
A lot.
And we liked The View because it on, and, well, it was on. Then at some point they added Sherri Shepherd to the show. It left us to wonder who in the name of Joy Behar’s wig was this lady?
We know she likes Jesus and Republicans, which maybe in today’s ‘Merica is enough to make you famous. Wikipedia says she’s a comedienne, actress, and television personality, but we can find no evidence to support this claim. Apparently she has been nominated for Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Talk Show Host, which means that award is a meaningless trophy bought by PR people.
2. Adam Levine
Headshots had to review The Voice for a now defunct periodical a few years back, and that’s when we first came across Mr. Levine, who the NBC show seemingly believed to be some sort of music star.
From what we can gather, he’s part of a parody band called Maroon 5, which very cleverly satirizes popular music by releasing albums of the most contrived, over-produced crap that has ever been available on iTunes.
The band members all have fake tattoos, and act like they’re the tough as Motörhead while singing songs that Disney Jr. radio would find too earnest.
Very clever, Mr. Levine. You’re your generation’s Andy Kaufman.
3. Bethenny Frankel
We came upon Bethenny Frankel (not like that, grow up) a lot recently when researching other projects.
We had no idea who she was, nor did the interns who are usually pretty up-to-speed with the latest in celebs. Turns out she’s some kind of a former line cook who appeals to 40-something unhappy mothers, so she gets to go on TV a lot.
She also started something called Skinnygirl Cocktails which are low calorie alcoholic beverages aimed at the 18-25 female demographic which lowers their self-esteem, weight, and sense of morality. Seriously, why not call them Bulimia Coolers?
4. Kendall/Kylie Jenner
Kendall/Kylie appears on many of your finer men’s websites, often in bikinis or other scantily clad attire, even though she’s perennially 16 and already overly sexualized by a celeb culture that fetishizes teens.
According to many websites, Kendall/Kylie is actually two people but we find that hard to believe. Y’all already tried that with the Olsen “twins”, amirite?
Kendall/Kylie is somehow related to the Kardashians. Apparently there’s some kind of talentless teen model factory in Bruce Jenner’s backyard, and he churns these poor girls out like Bangladeshi T-shirts. Kendall/Kylie currently stars in 37 reality shows that follow her from the pool to the club and back to the pool.
5. Farrah Abraham
All you need to do in 2013 to be a celeb is to get knocked up and be under 18.
Jesus, with that kinda logic half of my high school class should’ve been on the cover of US Weekly.
Abraham, from the sprawling metropolis of Council Bluffs, Iowa, was discovered and exploited by MTV in their series 16 and Pregnant and again on its spin-off Teen Mom.
We fully expect MTV to again abuse this poor woman’s desire to be important by putting her in next year’s hit show, 20 Something and Forgotten. She has, of course, already done pseudo porn, which is a prerequisite for stardom in this age we live in.
This column could’ve been infinite.
We didn’t even mention Paris Hilton, the grande dame of the talentless and inexplicably famous privileged. How can you, a commoner, reach these heights. Well, to synthesize: Be young, moderately attractive, get pregnant, or get someone pregnant, be in a horrible band, have tattoos, and send reels to MTV weekly.
Or, you know, go accomplish something of merit.
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